Letter to Dunkin' Donuts

This is not a doughnut.  It's a number.  The number of doughnuts you should ever eat from Dunkin' Donuts.

Dear Dunkin' Donuts:

Why do your doughnuts suck so badly?

It wasn’t always this way.  I can distinctly remember, as a young girl in the 1980s, when my parents would bring my sister and me for a doughnut after church just a stone’s throw from your flagship Quincy store.  It was the high point of my week (the doughnut, not church).  Despite the threat of burning in the fiery bowels of hell, I would spend the entire sermon lusting after the tasty fried ring of dough that would soon be mine, and agonizing over the ever-looming dilemma: Boston Krème v. Chocolate Honey-Dipped. 

They each had their charms: sweet, gooey cream in a heavenly pillow of dough topped with finger-licking chocolate frosting, or cakey chocolate dough with a hint of spice (Cardamom?  What was that flavor?) fried until crispy on the outside and enrobed in the sweetest, most divine coating ever to grace a nook or a cranny.  And nooks and crannies there were in abundance, thereby vastly increasing the amount of surface area to which the glaze could adhere.

After silently debating the pros and cons of each throughout Communion, and double-checking my work while offering each other the sign of peace, I had my answer.  Chocolate Honey-Dipped, all the way.  By the time I held it in my trembling hands, and took a bite, I was sure there must be a god.  My prayers had been answered.

But, somewhere between 1985 and 2006, something went terribly, terribly wrong.  These days, when I turn to my favorite doughnuts for comfort, someone posing as a purveyor of fine pastries hands me something that looks like a greasy sponge.  And it tastes like one, too. 

Where are all the nooks and crannies?  What happened to the glaze?  Why do they look so small and unnaturally round.  Frankly, it feels like a slap in the face.

What happened?  Did the secret recipe die with the “Time to Make the Donuts” guy?  Really, you should have written it down.  Or was the technique too expensive to maintain during your quest for total doughnut market domination?  Perhaps, you were trying to keep up with trends or changing tastes?  Whatever the reason, I’ve got news for you, what you have come up with is NOT GOOD.  Perhaps, you haven’t noticed the complete lack of doughnut-dunking going on.

Here’s my advice.  Spend some time in a quality doughnut shop.  No, not Honey Dew -- they stink, too.  I was going to say Verna’s in Cambridge, but word is you finally succeeded in running them out of business.  Thanks. 

Might I recommend the Hole-in-One in Eastham or The Hole in Orleans.  Get comfortable and remind yourself of what a good chocolate honey-dipped doughnut really tastes like.  Better yet, try their sour cream glazed doughnuts.  It may take some effort not to soil yourself -- don't worry, this is normal.  Take copious notes, and then, without infringing on anyone’s intellectual property, please make some improvements.  After all, do you really want to encourage people to taint those delicious cups of Joe with substandard doughnuts?  One can’t live on coffee alone.

I’m sure you don’t have a lot of time to answer sincere letters like this one, what with all the early-morning baking that goes on and the rigorous coursework over at Dunkin’ Donuts University.  Still, I would be curious to know the time line and specifics of the decision-making that brought your once-exalted donuts to such a spectacular low. 

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

Tammy Donroe

P.S.  Your other baked goods aren’t so hot, either, but they don’t feature quite so prominently in your name.

P.P.S.  I told my dad you’d call him and explain why I’m agnostic. 

Comments

[Dad]

Did it ever occur to you that the donuts went downhill at about the same time you stopped going to church? Evidently you just assumed that you didn't have to hold up your end of the bargain anymore.

[Tammy]

Oh my god, you might be right. Geez, a little warning would have been nice. I mean, I got a heads-up about the whole going to hell thing, but had I known about the doughnuts...

[Holier Than Thou]

I think it's in Leviticus 12:20: "And you will honor thy Lord each Sunday or thy local donut monopoly shalt stop trying to make good donuts."

[Tammy]

Ah, Leviticus. Of course, the patron saint of pastries. I should have read the fine print. And the regular-sized print, too, while I was at it.

What's the Latin word for doughnut, anyway?

[mark]

i testify heretoforth that one can live on coffee alone. As the God I don't believe in as my witness, coffee is food.

[jordankillacky]

i love dunkin dounghts and there the best!

[jordankillacky]

dunkin dounghts have the best frickkin munkins ever

[Mandy]

Wow. I hope your addressing this to the company directly and not employees. If your addressing it to the employees than your a bitch. As a dunkin donuts employee I probably work harder than anyone else does at their high paying perfect careers. I work an 8 hour shift with no break ever making minimum wage dealing with bitchy fucking customers who will literally start screaming in my face if they dont like their coffee. employees are treated like shit and the managment sucks. I agree with you that the company itself sucks but that is of no fault of the employees that work there to keep a roof over their head. customers are so rude to the people that work there. I had a guy throw coffee over the register and ask me why i was so fucking stupid. because i made his coffee "too light" when he asked for extra extra cream. The whole thing just fucking sucks.

[Shai]

I don't think the writer was talking about the employees. I know exactly what she's talking about. I don't know if some of you guys were around in the era that she's referring to, but the doughnuts standards have really dropped by far. It is not the employees fault because they work with premade mixes and only follow the companies directions. However, DD really needs to get back on point!!! I have visited a few and they were just not what I expected. Very dissappointing to be exact!! So much so that I just cut them off completely.

To the employee that commented, I feel your pain because I have seen customers act like complete idiots, just like they way you explained. Dunkin Donuts really need to consider increasing your pay scales if only for the bullshit that you have to endure at the workplace. (You guys should really consider forming a worker's union)Besides it your hard work that brings in the "dough" literally!!! It's sad that they don't value the backbone of their business.

[robert]

Verna's is still open, I was talked into half a dozen donuts the other day by the woman at the counter-- she literally cut into a chocolate crumb right there at the counter to 'close the deal.' I ran to my car with the box.

[KoozTop5]

Couldn't agree more. Dunkin's quality fell off after the 80s. It's a shame too because they used to be so good, but they are just awful now. I think there are a variety of reasons (and did my top 5 here: http://kooztop5.blogspot.com/2011/11/top-5-reasons-im-done-with-dunkin.html), but mainly, they just simply don't maintain any quality standards.

[Robert Moore]

Hello lovers and haters of DD!

As I was in church this morning, I passed through the "connections" room and absconded with a couple of Munchkins in hand. My wife and I were pleased, but I admit that DD's attempt at widening their food selection spectrum has degraded the quality of their flagship donuts. And that's what the deserve for their bieng greedy!

[Angela]

I've lived in Texas now for 15 years, but previously all my life in eastern Massachusetts. And chocolate honey dipped, donut or munchkin,(or an occasional chocolate croissant) was my morning wakeup with my coffee for years! Its been so long since I had one, there are no Dunkin Donuts here that I know of. But hearing how the quality has gone down, maybe thats a great thing!!! So sad when that the greatest things were when we were young. Everything these days is all for money and less for customer satisfaction!

[anon]

wtf dude are you stupid dd are on fire wow something must be wrong with your tastebuds