Fish on a Log

During my preliminary fact-finding to determine if the Eat Local Challenge is actually just a P.C. term for starvation, I stumbled upon another unexpected surprise.  Gorton's fish sticks, which are a staple in our freezer, are from Gloucester.  Like, I could be there in a half-hour if I left right now, Gloucester. 

We love their Original Batter Fish Tenders, with their crispy crust and salty deliciousness.  They’re made from real, flaky fillets of fish, which are caught, I imagine, by real Gloucester fishermen in yellow raincoats.  Somehow, the fishermen have managed to find a huge hidden population of wild Alaskan pollock right off the coast of Massachusetts.  This is good news for me since I’d otherwise have a hard time giving them up come September.

We bought the wrong kind last week.  Somehow, we ended up with the regular Gorton’s fish sticks with the ground-up fish that really kind of suck.  Anyway, I was reading the back of the box, trying to figure out how to heat up this radically different product, when I came across this serving suggestion:

And I started to lose a little respect for the people at Gorton’s.

There are just so many, many things wrong with this “recipe,” that I really don’t even know where to begin.  So, I’ll just start with the salad.  What the hell is that salad even doing there?  And why aren’t there any step-by-step instructions on how to make it?

There is, however, a very detailed procedure for how to configure these “Fish on a Log,” including how many fish-shaped crackers one should place atop each fish stick, how the processed-cheese-glue should be applied, and what flavor these decorative fish should be.  Pizza-flavored.  Duh. 

It’s a pretty good idea, in general, to steer clear of any recipe that states: “Invert cheese can.”  Also, any recipe-developer worth her salt could tell you that cheese, real or otherwise, is the wrong thing for your fish sticks.  Mixing up mayonnaise and relish is hard, I’ll admit, so I think ketchup is what you really want.  Then, you'll get that much-needed color contrast for your photo (according to one expert shutterbug), which will then enable you to do away with the unnecessary vegetable props.

But, the whole premise of Fish on a Log might be confusing to some.  Which part of the meal contains the actual fish?  Why are all the fish lying on the log at all?  Shouldn’t they be schooling in much larger groups to confuse predators?  Did they become trapped in murky sea cheese and die?  Maybe, that's why the logs taste like dead fish.  But then, why do the fish taste like pizza?

I’m afraid the folks at Gorton’s have provided more questions than answers.  Especially when it comes to serving size.  The recipe says: Serves 4.  But there are only 18 fish sticks.  And if I know long division, that means two people get 5 logs and two people only get 4.  Or maybe two people get 7, one person gets 4, and the last one to the table gets none, but, at any rate, someone’s getting the shaft.  And please, oh god please, can it be me?

Comments

[Lisa]

Okay so fish sticks are the processed pieces of fish, smooshed together in a log shape and coated in breadcrumbs, yes?

So.. we all know what hot dogs are made of.. does this mean that fish sticks are made from the same parts?

Also, quite frankly I would have went with the cheddar cheese fish crackers in lieu of the pizza flavored. But that's just me.

[ilva]

I love that analytical brain of yours!

[Sally]

Ugh! Just *ugh*. I'm not a fan of fish sticks. But I agree that the Fish Tenders are pretty good.

[Tammy]

Sally: They're my favorite fast food. Plus, they're a good intro to real fish, which my kids will now eat.

Ilva: If only they had offered Junk Science as a major. Or, rather, Junk Food Science.

Lisa: I think you're right. So why do hot dogs taste so delicious and regular old fish sticks taste like crap?

Also, I love how the recipe says: Serve Immediately. Why the sense of urgency? Which part of the meal will lose its lustre after a 20-minute delay?

[Husband]

Clearly, this recipe should have been called "Fish on the Fish".

[Harrison3]

We can't eat fish sticks in our house because, as they were Juliet's mom's go-to meal when there was to be a babysitter, which apparently was quite often, thus Juliet associates them too closely with abandonment.

[jen maiser]

I can't believe this is real. In fact, I didn't believe it until I just found it on the Gorton's site as well: http://www.gortons.com/recipe/00000040

I have to go pick my jaw up off the floor now.

[Lisa]

Well it is the lips and bunghole of the pig that make hotdogs so scrumptious, maybe in fish sticks, those parts are not used in lieu of some other parts that just aren't as lip smacking (no pun intended) good?

Clearly someone needs to call the Gorton's Fisherman or get an e-mail out to Mrs. Paul STAT.

[Tammy]

Lisa: I'm not eatin' no Mrs. Paul fish sticks. I have to draw the line somewhere. I did send an e-mail to Gorton's, however, as is my way. But if they're anything like the good folks at Dunkin' Donuts, they'll just ignore me.

Jen: It's real.

Harrison3: That's not such a bad thing, in this case.

Husband: Maybe I should rename my blog.

[cranky]

Hold the fish log. Hold the cheese can. Just gimme the fish-shaped pizza-flavored crackers and a bottle of 'Gansett.

[Tammy]

Funny, that's exactly what my kids said.

[Heath]

That box of fish sticks has clearly been in your freezer since 1972.
Don't forget, we already know your propensity for expired foodstuffs.

[Tammy]

If Gorton's plays their cards right (i.e., removes the recipe from their Web site), they might have a good argument there. I'd be powerless against it.

[Dune]

Sure glad I bought the 10 crunchy golden fish fillets and not the 6 in the 11.5 ounce
today as I already at most of them

[Erica]

i think i just threw up in my mouth a little.